The story behind the Stone Brewing Company’s Vertical Epic Ale series is a long one. Well, I guess long is certainly a subjective term. But when it comes to the patience levels of most beer drinkers, this is one could be brutally long. The idea began sometime back in the fall of 2001. Stone was determined to once again differentiate themselves from the less-then-worthy pack with a series of beers brewed and released to coincide with specific dates. Which dates you may ask? They started with 02-02-02 and will wrap up the series with 12-12-12. Each beer is unique and bares no relationship to the one brewed before or after other than they’re all in the same series. Do I have to draw it out for you (Actually, you can thank Stone for that graphic)?

Now here’s where the painful part comes in. If you are into deliberate, self-imposed delayed gratification (and who isn’t) you’re supposed to age the beers until sometime after December 12, 2012. Yeah, that’s 2012. Who the hell can wait that long, especially when it’s a Stone Brewing Co. product. Now maybe if I had a few cases, I could drink a one or two every couple months just to stave off the pangs. Sorry, man. No chance. These beers are brewed in very limited quantities (something to do with brewing schedules and limited capacities and the like) so your chances of getting your hands on any of the previous releases are about as good as catching an ABC sitcom that makes it past the pilot.

The latest in the series, the aptly-named 09.09.09 was just released and I happen to be among the lucky few to actually get my hands on a bottle. Yeah, “a” as in “singular” bottle. Each Stone Vertical Epic Ale is brewed with unique ingredients that set it apart from previous editions. For example, they used coriander, alligator pepper, and dark roasted wheat in Stone 03.03.03 Vertical Epic Ale, and kaffir lime leaf and un-malted wheat in Stone 04.04.04 Vertical Epic Ale. Also, in Stone 07.07.07 Vertical Epic Ale, we included ginger, cardamom, grapefruit peel, orange peel, and a blend of Glacier and Crystal hops. Now isn’t that a kick in the balls to the big-box brewers? Suck it Anheuser-Busch and MillerCoors. I’ll take a real beer, thank you very much.

Vertical Epic Ale 09.09.09 is a Belgian porter brewed with dark candi sugar, chocolate malt, tangerine peel, vanilla beans, and aged on French oak. Damn. Now how the hell am I supposed to wait until 2012 after hearing that? I wonder if the folks at Stone are minoring in unethical torture methods here. Ever hear of the Geneva Convention guys? This has got to rank with up there with waterboarding. Anyway, this, as well as all of the other beers in the Vertical Epic Series, are supposed to get better with age. So in other words, the exact opposite of all of the women on Rock of Love. And no herpes. You really can’t go wrong.

Now, I typically lack patience in just about everything I do and I took up homebrewing about a year ago in an effort to help with this shortcoming. I won’t lie to you and tell you that it’s worked all that much, as I still fight to make it through a month-long brewing process. But I understand where Stone is coming from. They know that traditionally complex beers get better with age and the more complex the beer, the longer the aging process. But beer drinkers don’t like to wait to enjoy their brew. Give it to me and let me crack it open. Aging is for all those wine snobs that think forced deprivation builds character – or something like that anyway.  I want my beer when I want it and I don’t want to be told otherwise. OK, I just had to get that off my chest. Besides, it’s not like Stone will send thugs to your house if they find out that you’ve been popping the tops of Vertical Epic Ale Series brews before their time. And because they’re Stone brews, they’ll be great anyway. No worries.

I fell in love with Stone Brewing the first time I laid lips on their Arrogant Bastard Ale and I am always ready and willing to taste their creations. The Vertical Epic Ale Series is another in a long line of spectacularly unique and only-Stone creations that are being met with open arms within the world of craft beer drinkers. While you probably won’t be able to get your mitts on any of the previous releases, you owe it to yourself to get a bottle (or as many as your local retailer has on hand) of the latest VEA Series brews, 09.09.09. You know what? In the time it took you to read this article, I bet you already missed it. And no, you can’t have mine.